It's not exactly clear who wrote Big Brother: The Official Unseen Story, but chances are it wasn't a writer. Why? Because it's so hastily cobbled together that only a lightening-quick master shoemaker could've knocked it out.

You can't blame writer/cobbler Jean Ritchie: any longer and Big Brother would seem more like a distant cousin, with weirdo-filled reality TV like the Tory party conference now providing water-cooler conversation (for Nichola read William Hague: a bald Northern nutcase).

So the book was rushed out in two weeks. Packed with details that 'even the most dedicated web-watcher may have missed', like how many eggs the chickens laid (approximately 320), the tiny-print tome goes through the entire programme with a magnifying glass and a nit-comb.

Starting with the selection process, every event, eviction and erection over the ten weeks is detailed to the point of boredom. Some very boring conversations are transcribed, and it makes you realise how good a job the editing staff did in making the program so compulsive.

Another mark of the rushed production are the photos in the centre-pages. Pictures of Nichola and Craig in the shower are repeated a few times, providing a reminder of just how boring and incident-free Big Brother became after Nick was kicked out.

But the book should tide over the addicts until the XXX-rated video comes out at Christmas, when they'll be able to wear Nasty Nick knickers whilst eating sad Sada Tofu during a quick round of the Big Brother board game. Cross marketing? It makes me bloody furious.

— Tom Morgan 02 - 10 - 00

The Big Brother housemates are going on tour! Click here [link to tour pop-up] for the dates and places.

Click here to find out why the final three Big Brother contestants got gold, silver and bronze.

Click here to buy the book.